The Fear of Succeeding...

Before bed, I tend to reflect on my day. Often times, I use this time to gather all of my thoughts. Today’s thought was “ Fear “

As I thought about the word fear, I started thinking about why I felt this way. Also, why do I feel strongly about this word? Having fear means to have an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. (Meriam Webster)

Helpful Hint:

Fear tends to weaken our immune system and can cause cardiovascular damage, gastrointestinal problems such as ulcers and irritable bowel syndrome, and decreased fertility. It can lead to accelerated aging and even premature death.

On my journey of healthy living, I often question myself as to “Why am I so fearful about succeeding in my weight loss journey?” It’s like apart of me wants to lose weight and the other part of me feels like I’m okay. Then I started to reflect and unpack why am I so fearful of succeeding in this particular area!

The fear all started in the junior year of my college volleyball career. As a young athlete, I was used to excessive exercise and long practices. The volleyball session consisted of high-level agility and endurance strength training. It ensures that your body is in great shape without weight lifting. Also, we alternated days to do strength training to help us have a lean body to perform the plays and display smooth transitions on the floor. But, I quickly noticed early in my sports career that if your body isn’t in great shape physically it usually means that you’re not taking care of your body correctly.

No one ever discusses the fear and daily battles an athlete faces. Learning how to balance your life, studies, and sport. The pressure that young athlete endures effects and triggers so many things such as depression, fear of failure, self-esteem, etc. I found out that the extreme laps or suicides (extremely lateral movements) during practice or after games triggered me to emotionally shut down because it was used as a punishment.

As a natural-born runner and volleyball player, the constantly repeated exercises made me hate running or any form of exercise. That hate later turns into fear of constantly feeling like I’m not good enough. I can truly say, it has taken 6 years to realize where that fear stemmed from. Sometimes, we have to take the time to analyze and reflect on why this is a sensitive issue.

The outside appearance of being an athlete may seem like constant accomplishments and accolades but it’s not! Being an athlete is a journey of continuous self-improvement within you as a player and individual. We endure a lot of criticism whether it’s good or bad we have to take it in without sometimes saying a word.

Your performance and the overall performance as a whole team determine the coaches' attitude. Your performance evaluations are documented during the games and saved for our monthly player evaluations. Honestly y’all, I can remember verbatim what was told to me on my last performance evaluation which scarred me forever. I remember greeting them and instantly sitting down in the chair in front of the desk. Then that’s when I was told that they feel that my physical attributes have affected my playing skills and overall performance. Also, I lack leadership and I’m not ready to be in a leadership role. I’m going to tell y’all that I was screaming so loud in my head when they were talking. This was the exact moment where I began to shut down, be extremely quiet, and numb to the world. Imagine growing up loving a sport that you grew loved just blow up in smoke in front of your eyes. Well, this was the moment!! Ugh...I later discovered that I was a target for body shaming.

DID YOU KNOW!!?

Body Shaming is the action or practice of humiliating someone by making mocking or critical comments about their body shape or size. Also, expressing mockery or criticism about a person's body shape or size.

After my experience with body shaming, I lost my love for the game of volleyball and working out. I felt like my coaches left a permanent stain on my heart towards my love sports and how I view myself. Their very critiques have kept me hiding in fear and self-sabotage due to the word cruses. I never thought in a million years that I would ever be bullied, belittled, and body shamed by teammates or coaches. I remember crying all the way home and going into a deep depression after being criticized like that! It causes me to stay in my room most of the time and sleep for hours on end.

In my closing, this experience taught me never to allow people to dictate how I look and project their feelings on to me. I had to learn to embrace where I am now! Also, I had to start making baby steps towards my own journey of healthy living and successful life!

Check out my Youtube Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxoUwoBpJjY&t=19s

©️BeingFairleyFit by Arielle Fairley